Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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