I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
