Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
