It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
