tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
