So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
