I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
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I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
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Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
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