I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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