My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
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he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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