Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
