im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
