1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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