I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
