Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
did i walk over a car last night?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
