and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
