he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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