The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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