Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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