The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
