...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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