So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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