Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
