I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
