Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
