FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
