the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
