she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
