you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
