I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
