how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
