Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
