I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
