what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
