first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
