If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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