this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
