I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
