Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
