my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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