i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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