why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
