I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
