I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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