wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
