You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
