I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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