She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
