the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
im on a boat
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