You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
