I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
