Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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