This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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