I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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