im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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