If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
