Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
