Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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