This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Let's get the cat blown out
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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