yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
