I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
