If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize