i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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