Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
