I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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