I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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